grandparents | Retrospect

Sorry for having been gone so long.

Let’s be honest here. Life has thrown me some pretty powerful blows. And, depression runs in my family. No, this is not an excuse, just a statement of fact. I have used this as an excuse, which has been selfish on my part. Ok. Let’s be done with that, and go on to tomorrow and the next day and the day after and so on.

[A song from Talk Talk, a favorite group]

Baby
Life’s what you make it – can’t escape it.
Baby
Yesterday’s favourite – don’t you hate it?
Ev’rything’s alright – live’s what you make it –
Ev’rything’s alright.Baby
Life’s what you make it – don’t backdate it.
Baby
Don’t try to shake it – beauty is naked.
Ev’rything’s alright – live’s what you make it –
Ev’rything’s alright – what you make it.Baby
Life’s what you make it – celebrate itAnticipate it – yesterday’s faded.
Nothing can change it – life’s what you make it.
Ev’rything’s alright – life’s what you make it.
Ev’rything’s alright – life’s what you make it.
Ev’rything’s alright – ev’rything’s alright.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/talk_talk/

I have learned, lately, that when life (as I think it should be ) doesn’t hold up to my expectations, I need to re-think those expectations. Where on earth do these expectations come from, anyway? Who am I to even have any expectations, anyway? I have no control over anything except myself. I am who I am, and I am learning (I am a very slow learner, by the way)what I can and can’t do. I shouldn’t have expectations, life is what I make it.

As I keep in my mind quite often:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and the

Wisdom to know the difference.”

Lately, when things were dark and terrible for me, I also think often of a prayer my grandmother pasted near her old 1950’s (?) telephone in the kitchen of her Ivanhoe ranch house, the “Stepfoots In the Sand”. I didn’t understand that poem when I was a young girl, but her gentle explanation made it so clear to me. I miss my grandparents very much. It helps me a great deal. Knowing who I am, and what I could do, if given the chance, gives me hope. I know in my heart that I can be more than I have settled for. I am capable of being a better person!

I think of my grandparents as my guardian angels watching over me, giving me a sense of “what will be, will be.” I have the courage to change what I can, and if I cannot, it’s not meant to be. I pray for the serenity to accept that. With my family and my work friends, I feel confident that I will. And my guardian angels simply have a different path planned for me. At least I am trying!

In the mean time, I have decided this (thank you, Mom!)

So, from here, I am making more choices. I choose to live my life on my terms. I choose not to be a victim. I choose to help others. I choose to try, what it may, to go back to college and become a nurse. I know I could do it. I could be an awesome nurse, given a chance.